why..?

Why....? i had been asking this question for so long... it really is not suppose to hurt this way...it's difficult dealing with your emotions when someone (my husband for this matter) do not understand me...i never attempted to open up, i knew he will never understand...

Why....? do i feel this way?

It is only lately that i understood where i was coming from...i was paternally orphaned when i was six years old. i have two "way older" girl siblings...my mother raised me on her own. i never knew how is it like living in a home with a father or brother or dealing with the opposite sex for that matter. i never knew that a relationship with someone you deeply love must be giving and not so much about taking. i did not have the idea...and i am deeply sorry for myself for not being able to comprehend these things...i know i have so much to give but i was misunderstood...when i was younger, i thought that he will take care of me and love me unconditionally, i did love him so unconditionally that i wish it never happened. Why do i have to feel this way until now? Why is it so difficult not to unconditionally love someone? i knew then that God answered my prayers for the two of us to finally be emotionally involved with each other. you see, i prayed for him since i was thirteen! and i saw how God unfolded this love story before my eyes...only to be heartbroken into million pieces afterwards, these pieces of my heart is still being put back together until now, it has been taking so long... that i wish that the "dream-came-true and answered-prayer" relationship never happened. that if God would ask me to live my life all over again, i will definitely ask God to delete this supposed "dream relationship." the pain that it left me, is a thousand times more than the joy i felt when he said "i love you."

I do love my husband... of course i married him, and he stuck with me despite our differences...it hurts me seeing him too engrossed about his concerns that sometimes he forgets that i too have feelings and needs. these things lead me to memories of the past of which i am still into the process of comprehending why?